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Healthwise
Gay Peoples Chronicle
Living with AIDS Related Complex
July 1985
WRITER'S NAME WITHHELD BY REQUEST
From all outward appearances, my life seemed like a good one. A thirty year old gay man. Well educated with a good professional career. Sufficient disposable income to travel often, afford nice clothes, a new car. An attractive man. I've never had real problems meeting people. Two
the middle of the night with nightmares. I'm going to die! Drenched with sweat I would start to cry.
Every bit of self-hatred about being gay came welling up, choking me. If I weren't gay, this would not be happening to me. This is my punishment for being gay. Back to the doctor I went. Please tell me what this means. What do you mean you don't know yet? What's causing this swelling? Off to an immunologist for more examinations and blood tests. The pressure of being closeted at work became almost unbearable. Waiting two weeks for the results and trying to be responsible on my job caused me tremendous pain. My family knows that paian gay and wanted to sup port me, but you could feel their fear, too, about my health.
Current research says that many men have been exposed and there is a great range of possible reactions. My doctor says he thinks I'm one of the lucky ones, that my body is successfully fighting the disease. At first, logically, I can hear what he is saying, but the fear and uncertainty keep creeping back into my mind. I have to consciously tell myself that I don't have any other symptoms. No weight no fevers, no night Can't you tell me when I'll be OK? Do you know what it's like to hear you say that you'll just have to keep watching me? The appearance of a bruise or a cold sore frequently brought on waves of paranoia ending in hurried visits to the doctor.
loss
sweats. relationships
lasting almost five years. Friends call me a caring person.
I thought everything was pretty much in order and under control. Envisioned myself as together and integrated. Then 20 months ago Something happened to disrupt that idyllic picture. Lymph nodes in my groin, my neck, and under my arms became swollen--some painfully so. God, I panicked. What was happening to my body! Do I have AIDS? Why is this happening to me? I'm not one of those "sleaze-bag" people who gets AIDS.
I nervously went to my physician. It's probably from Some infection. Take these pills for two weeks. Don't worry--they'll go away. Well, they didn't. My fears and anxiety sky-rocketed. It became difficult to concentrate at work. I woke up in
I only told a couple of friends. Most did not really want to believe anything like THIS could be happening to me. More isolation and pain.
Still nothing concrete (at least to me) from my doctors. One says that more gay men are appearing across the country with this condition. It's called lymphadenopathy or abnormal swelling of the lymph nodes. It's all part of that grey area being identified as ARC AIDS Related Complex -
or
What colossal uncertainty! I have to go on living in the dark. I feel like a time bomb. I feel like a leper. I am afraid to get close to another man. I don't want to hurt anybody. I DON'T WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN.
As weeks crawled by, I began to realize how angry I was about my situation. It usually hit me hardest when I ventured out to the bars.
Here I had practically cut myself off from social settings for nearly three months. I would find myself in the bar wanting very much
to meet someone, but feeling like I was invisible, not there. I became angrier and more isolated as I watched others talking and enjoying themselves when I felt so alone and afraid. I wanted desparately to be held and cared for--yet I was too afraid of what might be inside of me.
Eventually with time, I began to sort through this storm of emotions. Out of the need to re-create foundations for my life, I found that focusing on each day as it comes was essential. Finally, I was able to talk more about my fears with my family and my friends. The fears are still there, but the isolation has faded. And with that has come new to risk and go on strength with my life. I have become acutely aware of the destruction and hatred that I and others bring upon ourselves. Yet my pain and empathy around that has helped me grow and become more tolerant and loving because we all share the same struggle. And I see and weep for my gay brothers who have AIDS for I have my own taste of what they must be going through. Finally, I want to reach out to those others in
timbo state like myself, but I don't quite know how. For now at least, hear my message. I know it,
You are not alone.
too.
CASK THE DOCTOR
When I say I am a homosex¬ ual, I make a statement about my sexual orientation and a statement about my lifestyle. To be gay or lesbian in this culture inplies I am different and, inevitably, I make choices about how I will handle being different.
These choices depend in great part on how I think and feel about my differ ence. My choices may be conscious; i.e., I may tell myself I do not want to "come out to my family and actively live out this choice. My choices may be unconscious; i.e., I may say I am comfortable with being gay but all my friends are heterosexual. My choices influence my life; they determine, and, thus, I determine, if I will be sufficiently satisfied. It is often my unconscious choices and, in particular, the way I make them as opposed to the content of the choice, which most affect the quality of my living.
Research tells us that same-sex sexual orientation is established early in life, well before the second year if not intrauterine. This suggests that those of us who are gay and lesbian
By
start our lives being different. This same research indicates we are aware that something is different about me much before adolescence--perhaps as young as four or five.
This is not a verbalized awareness; the five-year-old does not say, in his/her mind or to others, "I am different." Most persons reporting early awareness of difference state that they had no language for their difference they just "felt different."
Current gay and lesbian psychological thinking proposes that it is this early awareness of diffeence which influences behavior, and not behavior which influences the choice of sexual orientation; i.e., a young boy becomes sexually involved with an older male because of the felt awareness of difference. It is not the sexual involvement which "makes" the boy turn out From early in our lives, then, we have made our choices about who we are and how we will live, out of "feeling" different.
Making choices for my life out of feeling different is not the same as making choices for my life out of feeling essentially like everyone else. For example, a child who "feels differ-
PETER BEEBE, PH.D.
ent" may work hard to be "the same. A boy may choose to "enjoy" baseball in order to be like the other boys. He may choose to ignore the physical and emotional signals which say "I don't like this sport," and go ahead with the game.
Sooner or later, this choice is learned well and becomes a habit: I can igpore what my body tells me I don't like and go ahead and perform anyway. This habit may be so thoroughly prac-
ticed that it becomes unavailable to the everyday awareness of the young boy, now grown into a man.
If a child learns early and thoroughly to handle being different by denying it and being like others, the use of denial may generalize; the child grows into an adult who is active and involved, but isn't satisfied with his activity and involvement. He does not know how to learn from himself what makes him feel good. He has become a constricted
adult as a result of learning a particular way (here, denial of handling being different).
Adult enjoyment of life is inextricably linked to the choices made regarding being different. Coming out is the process of consciously recognizing and wrestling
with my homosexuality. I must make conscious choices regarding how I will be gay or lesbian, recognizing there may be more yet out of my awareness which affects my living. Coming out is a life-long process; its alternatives are the varieties of depression and despair.
HELP WANTED:
Looking for retired, unemployed interested RN's, LPN's, and/or experienced home health aides who would want to provide home care for persons with AIDS either in their own home or the person's home. Also looking for individuals willing to provide housing on a temporary basis for persons with AIDS who are ambulatory and able to do
own self care. Education and training for care providers will be made available. Your interest obligates you in no way. Please contact:
Health Issues Task Force P.O. Box 14925 Public Square Station Cleveland, Ohio 44114
-or-
call: T.R. Wilson, M-F, 8:00 AM 5:30 PM, 844-3360